You are Not Selfish or Indifferent, Just Lack of Love Spoilers

Initially, I found Buffalo ‘66 to be tedious and unengaging, leading me to abandon the film during the bowling scene. The male lead's self-centered and indifferent behavior made it difficult to empathize with his miserable life. However, I later discovered that the film's deliberate pacing and complex character development required a greater level of patience and attention.

The main character, Billy, is portrayed as a hopeless loser who grew up in an environment of parental neglect. He was wrongfully convicted of a crime five years ago and sent to prison. However, his miserable life did not begin with his imprisonment, but rather on the day he was born.

Billy's mother is a die-hard fan of the Buffalo Bills football team and had never missed a game until the day Billy was born. She resents her son for being born on the day she missed the game and regrets having him. Meanwhile, Billy's father, a once aspiring singer, has lost all his artistic ambitions due to life's harsh realities. He is now preoccupied with mundane concerns to the extent that he limits the water level in the bathtub to less than an inch during Billy's bath time.

Growing up in such a loveless environment, Billy inevitably becomes a cold and unaffectionate person. He is a loner, introverted, and never have a girlfriend, let alone know how to express or accept love. His one and only friend is a person with some intellectual challenges. Billy calls him ‘Goon’, often makes fun of him, on whom Billy relies for a sense of self-esteem and confidence.

Billy's fate of imprisonment was seemingly predetermined right from birth, as his mother held resentment towards him for being born on the day she missed a Buffalo Bills game. This caused Billy to subconsciously crave his mother's recognition and love, hoping that the team would win to justify his birth. In a desperate attempt to prove himself, he bet heavily on the Buffalo team, risking everything he had, only to lose and end up in jail. His misguided actions were driven by his need for acceptance and validation, making his imprisonment a tragic outcome of his deep-seated emotional turmoil.

Billy's parents, like many others, were burdened by the harsh realities of life, lacking the love and care they needed from their families. Their selfish and cold behavior was passed on to their son, highlighting the profound impact that one's family members' personalities and habits can have on their destiny, surpassing even genetic predispositions.

When Billy was released from prison, he faced further humiliation and rejection when he desperately needed to use the restroom. This experience made it difficult for him to trust or love society or others, adding to his already deep-seated emotional issues.

Although most people possess inherent goodwill towards others, developed through the unconditional love they receive during infancy and childhood, this goodwill can diminish in the face of the real world's coldness and malice.

Billy, however, never experienced such unconditional love and care, leading to his abrasive personality, constant profanity, and difficulty urinating. His sensitivity and anxiety stem from a lack of self-esteem and love-deprived personality, making it challenging for him to connect with others or the world around him.

A love-deprived personality features masochism, the uneasiness with compliments.

In the movie, when Billy is at the urinal, a man compliments him on his impressive "dick." However, Billy immediately becomes agitated and aggressive, eventually assaulting the innocent man and forcibly removing him from the bathroom. While most men would feel a sense of pride in such a moment, Billy, who denies any positive qualities about himself, takes it as an insult.

During a visit to his parents' home, Layla fabricates a story about Billy having a high-status job where he is adored by all the girls. This is Layla's attempt to boost Billy's self-esteem and impress his parents, which the audience may perceive as a harmless white lie. However, Billy becomes irate because he does not believe he deserves such praise and thinks his parents would not believe it either. From the very beginning, his parents had instilled in him the belief that he was worthless and undeserving of love.

How could a person like Billy have any redeeming qualities? How could anyone possibly like him?

Therefore, another characteristic of a love-deprived personality is the intertwined feeling of strong self-deprecation and self-esteem.

Billy's excessive self-doubt has resulted in abnormally fragile self-esteem. He curses Layla's car, claiming he had previously driven luxury cars like Cadillacs with automatic transmission. He boasts of having countless girlfriends, all of which are lies he fabricates, but almost makes himself believe.

The only brief moment of relaxation and relief for Billy is when he's bowling, the only activity at which he excels.

A love-deprived personality also features an evasion of intimacy. Such a person is afraid of accepting love, even though it might be their last chance for self-salvation.

In Billy's locker at the bowling alley, there is a picture of a girl he claimed was his first love. However, in reality, the girl didn't even know his name because Billy never dared to express his love.

At the restaurant, Billy happens to come across the girl he has been infatuated with. The audience may notice that the girl had questionable morals, but Billy doesn’t know or doesn’t care because he never has a chance to truly interact with her, nor does he want to. He is in love with an illusion, a spiritual sustenance, a means for him to channel his love.

Fortunately, Layla notices his goodness and vulnerability. He would make jokes about choking her, stabbing her, pulling her hair, and throwing her out, but Layla is never scared because she is well aware that he never really means it. Despite his tough exterior, there are moments when Billy's inner tenderness and vulnerability are revealed, such as when he runs down the street in ill-fitting clothes, or when he curls up in the bathtub like a baby.

There are also times when he reaches his breaking point and retreats to the bathroom to cry and plead for help from God. Through it all, Billy stands up appearing unyielding and indifferent to everything around him, displaying a strength and resilience that is both admirable and intriguing to Layla.

During a photo shoot, Layla tries to kiss him, but she is immediately rejected. At that time, he probably had some feelings for Layla, but his insecurity prevented him from believing that anyone could like him. So he pushed her away, to prevent himself from being deceived and humiliated. It is similar to the countless times when he was a child and he kissed his mother, only to be pushed away because she was watching a game. If he was going to lose eventually, he didn't want to have it in the first place.

Billy has obviously been deeply afflicted by a lack of love, but Layla is such a warm-hearted girl who slowly softening him up by her companionship. The hug she asks for before Billy is about to carry out a suicide bombing is like a powerful drug, potent enough to penetrate deep into his heart, and it finally takes effect when Billy stands face to face with the man he intended to revenge on.

Billy looks at the balding fat man, who he hates to the core, and who has been left unloved by the world though he mingled in high society. The man raises a glass to him, a poor wretch like himself. Right at the moment Billy decides to forgive him.

He walks out with big strides and throws his gun as far as he can. He then calls ‘Goon’ and tells him he is not going to give all his belongs in the locker to him, and that he has met a girl, the best girl in the world who truly loved him. Tears stream down on his face, all the grievances and heartaches from all those years mixing with the warmth of that powerful ‘drug.’

As he happily strides to buy hot chocolate, his joyful steps seem to dance across the screen. With a smile on his face, he greets the store clerk and requests that the hot chocolate be made "very good." He generously offers a stranger a piece of pastry and tips the store clerk with a dollar. Finally, he has discovered the beauty of expressing care and love, and he is determined to cherish everything after experiencing the love he has been shown. It's as if he were a primary school student who has just been praised by a teacher and has resolved to work even harder to repay their kindness.

I was really afraid that he would be hit by a car when he crossed the street with his hot chocolate and pastry.

Fortunately, unlike many cult films, the ending isn't so gruesome. The film ends in fast pace, but the scene where Billy and Layla lying peacefully on the bed touched me.

It was like suddenly being shed by a ray of sunlight, warming me up for a long time. The story of Billy mirrors the experience of Vincent Gallo, who wrote, directed, and starred in the film. Like Billy, he was abandoned by his parents and left to fend for himself.

No one is born cold and selfish. It's simply a lack of love that causes people to become that way. The more someone seems tough and cold on the outside, the more fragile and lonelier they may be on the inside.

To those who are struggling, may you get it through one day and find yourself snuggled in someone's arms like a child.

To everyone watching Buffalo ‘66, may you be never able to empathize with it and leave a comment like: "What is it talking about?"