Spotting Narcissists: Lessons from Classic Movies (Part 1) Spoilers

Sometimes I get the feeling that we're living in an era where everyone's encouraged to be a bit narcissistic. Whether you're a celeb or not, you gotta choose your profile pic wisely and put as much of your life as possible on IG, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, or any social platform out there. You share your new hair color, awesome parties, live events, happy trips, and new cars. It's even better if you make a perfect vlog with filters that'll score you more likes. And all these virtual likes seem to convince us that, at some point, in some dimension, we're the center of the world. The envy and praise of others also give us enough reason to be narcissistic. After all, why bother being humble when all about us are shining?

But what happens if we don't get likes for the shiny lives we share? Does that mean what we don't showcase on social media aren't even mentioning? Are we disqualified from being narcissistic without likes?

Or we can take a step back and ask a more fundamental question: Do we really need to be narcissistic? But before we answer that, we need to define what narcissism is.

In reality, the term "narcissism" is often used to describe certain behaviors or tendencies. In psychology, "narcissism" is a personality trait classified as part of the Dark Triad. Individuals with this trait are often self-centered, and exhibit a sense of superiority, entitlement, exhibitionism, and vanity. In some cases, this "dark personality" can even become a personality disorder known as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is characterized by a life-long pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive craving for admiration, and a diminished ability to empathize with others.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is classified as a mental illness. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) has established criteria for diagnosing NPD. As of 2018, the estimated prevalence of NPD in epidemiological statistics ranges from 0.8% to 6.2%.

However, as a mental illness, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has no standard treatment. In fact, according to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, who studies personality disorders, NPD is not only difficult to treat but also difficult to diagnose. Unlike psychological problems such as depression and anxiety, people with NPD often don't feel the pain themselves. Instead, it is their family members, .... and colleagues that are affected and have to tolerate (or even suffer). Due to this, a person with NPD may be unlikely to seek professional help, and therefore, unlikely to be diagnosed.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, who has had clinical contact with many patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and individuals who are deeply disturbed by them, puts forward a pointed argument: diagnosing someone with NPD simply because they are unpleasant and make others unhappy is unfair. Conversely, diagnosing a person who misbehaves as having NPD is to some extent absolving them of responsibility. Durvasula also believes that the proportion of people with narcissistic problems or even NPD is much higher than epidemiological statistics suggest. As "narcissism" becomes normalized and even glamorized, it is important to recognize its true face.

The framework of narcissism, with its central pillars of lack of empathy, entitlement, grandiosity, superficiality, anger, rage, arrogance, and shallow emotion, is a manifestation of pathological insecurity. This insecurity is experienced both individually and socially. The toxic wave of narcissism, entitlement, and pathological insecurity harms us all, whether individually or socially. The allure of charm, charisma, confidence, and success can blind us to the damaging truths of narcissism. Relationships with narcissists involved are invalidating and negatively impact those in them with self-doubt, despair, confusion, anxiety, depression, and the chronic feeling of being “not enough,” making it difficult to step away and set boundaries.

Today, I want to share my perspective on what it's like to be around a narcissist as a survivor. I'm not approaching this from a professional standpoint, but rather from my own experiences. As a big movie buff, I thought it would be interesting to examine the protagonists in some popular films like Citizen Kane, The Wolf of Wall Street, and Gone Girl. By doing so, I hope to analyze how much they exhibit narcissistic traits, and why they can be both loved and hated. Ultimately, I'm excited to see how their stories can inspire and shock us all.

Before delving into the life stories of these characters, I'd like to share a personal story that made me realize the problem with narcissists. A few years ago, I had a friend. We were both unemployed at the time, and we met almost every day to talk about everything. I thought we were compatible and our relationship quickly escalated from just friends to BFFs. But soon, shadows appeared in our friendship. She often used people who had fallen in love with her as proofs of her personal charm, but I don't think charm needs to be proved by others' preferences. One day, she even commented on my appearance and dress in an almost harsh tone, setting off alarm bells. Later on, I noticed that she slowly stopped replying to my messages unless she needed my help. When I couldn't help her due to various reasons, I realized I seemed to have lost this friend. I felt hurt, and I kept wondering if I did something wrong. Until one day, I met another friend who told me that this ex-friend had almost done the same thing to her. That's when I realized that my ex-friend seemed to be a narcissist.

So, like, I'm well aware that spotting narcissists can be tough, especially when they're all charming and successful and stuff. They can totally use people to get what they want and twist things around to make themselves look awesome.

But hear me out, as someone who's been there and done that and is also a huge movie fan, I think we could simply learn to spot these narcissists by looking at classic movies and their iconic narcissistic characters. It's like, understanding their behavior and thought patterns could help us handle them better, you know?

"Gone Girl": The Battle Between Two Narcissists

The first movie I will discuss is Gone Girl by David Fincher. On their fifth wedding anniversary, Nick Dunne (Ben Affleck) reports that his wife, Amy (Rosamund Pike), has gone missing. As pressure from the police and a growing media frenzy increases, Nick's perfect image of their marriage begins to crumble. Soon, his lies, deceit, and strange behavior leave everyone wondering: Did Nick Dunne kill his wife? When the missing Amy reappears seeking revenge, what began as a romantic marriage devolves into a battleground between a man and a woman…

If you have learned something about narcissist, after watching Gone Girl, you will quickly realize that Amy is a complete narcissist. She is a complex and manipulative individual who displays many traits of narcissism. In the movie, Amy's life is the starting point for the success of the children's picture book "The Amazing Amy" written by her parents. In the fictional world, Amazing Amy lived a seemingly perfect life and was viewed as an unattainable role model, setting an impossibly high standard for Amy to follow. This, in turn, caused Amy to feel insecure about herself, and Amy's narcissistic traits are driven by this insecurity.

Amy's sense of entitlement is evident in her belief that she deserves a perfect marriage and life, and she will go to great lengths to achieve this. She is highly intelligent and cunning, and her actions are calculated to maintain control over those around her. She pretends to be the perfect wife for her husband Nick, in order to maintain the illusion of a perfect marriage. When everything is under control, their life is full of happiness. However, when Nick has an affair with another woman and their lives change, Amy feels like she is losing control of her life.

Faced with this situation, Amy immediately thinks of revenge, which is also a manifestation of her narcissism and lack of empathy. Whether it's Nick, who was once framed for suicide, or her ex-boyfriend Desi (Neil Patrick Harris), who was ruthlessly used and then killed by her, these people are essentially Amy's pawns to realize the perfect life she expects. Their feelings and happiness are not important; what matters is whether they are still useful to her and whether they are controllable. When avenging those insubordinate and useless people, Amy is most concerned about whether her image and reputation will be affected.

There's one detail in the film that demonstrates how much Amy cares about her image as the perfect girl. The news about her disappearance was being broadcast on TV, and a female neighbor living in the motel complained to the disguised Amy. According to her complaints, the missing Amy looked like an arrogant rich girl who was unwilling to lose. At this time, Amy couldn't bear this evaluation that was so close to the truth, so she chose to take revenge by spitting into the neighbor's wine. Refusing to accept imperfections means refusing to accept reality. Amy will do whatever it takes to maintain the image of being the perfect girl, even if it means living under false pretenses.

Nick was the perfect partner chosen by Amy to create the perfect life. In a way, they were made for each other since Nick is also a narcissist. At first, Nick is portrayed as a sympathetic character struggling to deal with the disappearance of his wife. However, as the story unfolds, it becomes clear that Nick is not what he seems. He chose Amy as his wife because he thought she was the kind of woman who could make his life look better. Amy is smart, beautiful, well-off, and seems to have a crush on him. When he discovered that Amy was not as simple as she seemed on the surface or that he could not control her, he did not face the problem directly or choose to end the relationship.He develops an extramarital affair with his female student Andie (Emily Ratajkowski) to satisfy his desires and achieve revenge on Amy.

Nick doesn't care about Amy, so he even has sex with Andie at his sister's house after Amy disappears. However, the young Andie isn't important to him either. After dating for over a year, he can't even remember Andie's real age. As the older twin brother, Nick has always received more love from his mother than his younger sister. This experience seems to have made him take other people's love for granted. He is focused only on his own needs and desires, and disregards other people's needs and emotions.

Like Amy, Nick is also good at lying. He lied to Amy, the police, and his sister Margo (Carrie Coon). The only difference is that Nick's lies are not as clever as Amy’s. But he's also a master performer, and he even saves himself when it counts by playing the kind of affectionate, awkward husband Amy needs on TV. While Amy was using the media to make herself a victim, Nick was using the media to reshape his image. If the narcissistic nature background in Nick's character is not recognized, the audience may not understand why he is still willing to maintain a seemingly incompatible relationship with Amy in the end. And after understanding his narcissistic traits, you will see that this is the inevitable result of his choice, just like what Amy said to Nick at the end: "I'm the cunt you married. The only time you liked yourself was when you were trying to be someone this cunt might like.” They hate each other, but they need each other in the same time.

In summary, the movie Gone Girl provides a cautionary tale about the dangers of narcissism. It shows how two narcissists can become entangled in a tragic marriage, and how their actions can have serious consequences for those around them. It is a reminder that even seemingly normal people can have underlying personality disorders, and that it is important to be aware of the signs of narcissism in order to protect ourselves and those we care about.

Anyway, in the article Spotting Narcissists: Lessons from Classic Movies (Part 2）, I'm gonna keep dissecting the narcissistic traits of the main characters in The Wolf of Wall Street and Citizen Kane. I'm gonna look at how far their egos can go and why Kane, the most famous narcissist in movie history, leaves us feeling pretty bummed out.

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Spotting Narcissists: Lessons from Classic Movies (Part 2）