D.E.B.S: A Film So Bad It's Good

The year is 2005. Avril Lavigne's album ‘Under My Skin’ holds a permanent space in my CD Walkman. Like every other Friday night, I walked down the street to the corner store that also had a small DVD rental section—my mom let me rent 1 movie a week, as long as I returned it on time. Glowing on the new arrivals rack like it was backlit by Jesus himself was DVD of the movie D.E.B.S. As a nine year old girl and an avid Totally Spies fan, the poster of 4 beautiful girls in Spy Academy school uniforms certainly grabbed my attention. I didn't know it then, but that would mark the first viewing of what would become my guiltiest pleasure film for the next twenty years.

The film begins similarly to Charlie’s Angels (2000)—which held the title of my favourite movie back then—a special selection of girls from opposing backgrounds are plucked fresh out of high school after acing a ‘secret’ test that identifies unique capabilities required by secret agents. When we meet the girls of D.E.B.S, the scene is set in their sorority-like house that is protected by a blue tartan-patterned force field (at this point, I was sold). We're introduced to four girls that fit neatly into different character archetypes—the self-proclaimed no-bullshit squad leader, a sultry femme fatale, a ditzy blonde, and finally the Perfect Spy. Amy is introduced last, because she's the only character with a storyline and development. She’s defined by her perfect score on the secret test, but couldn't be less interested in being a spy. She's a bit lost, a bit confused, and recently dumped her jock-turned-paramilitary boyfriend because “he’s just too boring”, a subtle foreshadowing of whats to come.

The plot of the movie is set up swiftly with the news that the dubious crime-family heiress aptly named Lucy Diamond is back stateside. She’s a reclusive criminal mastermind known for arms dealing and stealing, well, diamonds. The enigmatic villain just so happens to be the subject of perfect-score-Amy's final thesis, mainly exploring the legend that no one has ever fought Lucy Diamond and lived to tell the tale.

D.E.B.S. explores some serious heteronormative gender issues in the criminal mastermind industry, which is something we clearly don’t discuss enough! The general hypothesis of Amy's final paper is that because Lucy is in such a male-dominated field, she feels the need to overcompensate by being even more ruthless and deadly—that kind of psychological warfare created a void inside of her that makes her incapable of loving and being loved. If only there was a smart, sensitive, sweet girl who could open Lucy's heart. Well, who from this already-introduced cast of characters could possibly be the one? Perhaps the confused girl who recently dumped her boyfriend out of boredom?

This is where the ‘guilty’ part of pleasure sets in. A mildly cheesy spy-chick-flick transforms into full-on, non-sensical camp. Like if Austin Powers took itself seriously. The film's main dilemma is so stupid, so asinine, that it just automatically becomes iconic. Lucy Diamond, holed up in her evil lair, surrounded by a holographic ‘LD’ engraved diamond, is actually just a misunderstood terrorist :(. All Lucy needs is the sweet tender love of another woman, or else she might actually destroy the world. Her previous reign of terror was prompted by a broken heart—spawning years of crime and shutting herself out from human connection. She must find a lover fast, or the population will surely suffer.

A criminal-themed meet cute brings Amy and Lucy Diamond together, turning into a wild-west standoff but instead of cowboys, its two sapphic spies with palpable sexual chemistry. They undress each other with their eyes—Lucy, donned in all black, and Amy sporting her usual plaid blue uniform and matching eyeshadow. They couldn’t be more dissimilar, but you know what they say about opposites. They part, but not for long. That night, Lucy breaks through the D.E.B.S. house force field and scales the wall into Amy’s bedroom window—like a lesbian Dawson’s Creek—and they run off together.

Two households, both alike in dignity. From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. That’s what Shakespeare said about Amy Bradshaw and Lucy Diamond’s illicit romance. For all intents and purposes, they are forbidden to be together. They aren’t even supposed to get along, let alone scissor!

Lucy and Amy quickly become every lesbian couple I know and love today—spending every waking second together and moving in with each other way too quickly. Their romance is showed montage-style backed by New Order's ‘Temptation.’ When they have their first fight, the reconciliation is showed montage-style backed by Erasure's ‘A Little Respect.’ Montages, lesbians, and a killer soundtrack made D.E.B.S. the cult-classic it is now (to me, at least). I honestly can't remember how the movie ends, but something along the lines of them literally driving off into the sunset together.

And there I was, nine years old, sitting dangerously close to my box TV, watching my first ever lesbian romance on screen. Actually, that’s not true—I saw Carol and Susan on Friends first but that didn't count because they weren’t making out in school-girl uniforms. Back then, it felt I shouldn't be watching it. I felt like I should have changed the channel to Spongebob if my parents walked in. I felt guilty, but I couldn't look away! To rewatch it today is to feel the same childlike wonder and discovery I felt back then. Long live D.E.B.S.