Snow White’s Still Waiting to Be Rescued? Seriously?

The worst part? It’s not even bad enough to be good. It’s not camp. It’s not edgy. It’s just… there. Bland. Like someone put a Pinterest board through an AI script generator and hit “print.” It’s not offensive, it’s just disappointing. And honestly, that feels worse.

Alright, let’s talk about Snow White—yes, that Snow White. The OG Disney princess who’s been singing to birds and scrubbing dwarf cottages since 1937. You’d think, after nearly a century, we’d maybe let her grow up a little, right? Maybe give her a sword, or at least a therapist. But nope. In 2025, she’s still making googly eyes at a wishing well and waiting for some rando prince to show up and solve all her problems with a non-consensual kiss. We’ve officially gone full nostalgia loop.

The original Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is a classic. A game-changer. The first full-length animated feature. Iconic in all the right ways. But here’s the thing: that movie came out when people still thought smoking indoors was healthy. Times change. Or at least they should.

This new version? Feels like a glittery time capsule that someone cracked open and forgot to update. It’s all the same beats, minus the magic. Snow’s still singing “Someday My Prince Will Come,” as if Tinder doesn’t exist and therapy isn’t a thing. She’s still cooking and cleaning for seven emotionally stunted men with literal cartoonish names like “Dopey.” (Why are we normalizing this dynamic again?) And yeah, she still gets poisoned and has to be rescued by some guy who’s never even had a full conversation with her. Romance!

And don’t come at me with “It’s a fairytale, it’s meant to be traditional.” You know what else is traditional? Women not having the right to vote. Tradition isn’t a free pass for lazy writing！

Let’s be real: the real villain of this movie isn’t the evil queen—it’s the script. It doesn’t even try to do something bold with the concept. You could’ve given Snow some actual agency, let her outwit the queen, save herself, start a new life running a seven-dwarf co-op bakery, something. But instead, she just floats through the story like a vintage perfume ad—pretty, passive, and painfully outdated.

Even the famous “Mirror, mirror” moment—the most iconic line in all of fairytaledom—feels like it’s going through the motions here. The whole “Who’s the fairest of them all?” angle could’ve been a sharp dive into beauty standards, toxic competition, inner vs. outer worth. But nope. We’re just back to cheekbones and shiny hair. We could’ve had a critique of the beauty myth; instead, we got a Target ad.

The worst part? It’s not even bad enough to be good. It’s not camp. It’s not edgy. It’s just… there. Bland. Like someone put a Pinterest board through an AI script generator and hit “print.” It’s not offensive, it’s just disappointing. And honestly, that feels worse.

I’m not saying we need to turn Snow White into a Marvel superhero (though honestly, I’d watch that). I’m just saying maybe—just maybe—it’s time to retire the “damsel sings, damsel dies, prince smooches her back to life” playbook. Or at least write her with the emotional depth of a houseplant.

In 2025, a Snow White movie could’ve been anything. A feminist revision, a subversive comedy, a surreal horror take. But instead, it chose to be a beige remake of something we’ve already seen, already questioned, and frankly, already outgrown.

So yeah—Snow White’s still waiting to be rescued. But I’m not waiting around for another lifeless reboot.