We need to talk, Kevin

We need to talk, Kevin

I hope you're doing better now. In case you were wondering, my pinky's okay, a little sore, but the doctor was able to reattach it. You're a Robin Hood in the making, kid. I taught you everything I know, but the student surpasses the master, as they say. And I think my archery days are over. It's gonna be a long while before they let me get my hands on another bow.

That's something I wanted to talk to you about. Things are weird in here, man. People are saying all kinds of crazy stuff about me, saying I was planning some kind of 'massacre.' You and I know it was all a misunderstanding, and I hope you can help me sort this out with the police.

I want you to know there are no hard feelings on my side. The way I see it, we both did some stuff we should apologize for.

I'll go first. I'm sorry for lying to you, that was not cool. I'm no US Army Ranger, no Black Ops operative, no decorated marksman, nor an improvised weapons expert. It's all a lie, as you know, but it sure would be nice if the media knew that. I think they're all using that to paint me as some kind of traumatized war veteran or something.

I'm not proud of it, but this was just a scheme. I saw your mom's ad looking for a school bodyguard for her kid and I jumped at the opportunity. I'm sorry.

I also wanted to say that, as the adult in our friendship, I should've realized it was weird when you said you wanted me to teach you 'the best way to kill a man.' After that, the fact that I still went out and got you a hunting bow wasn't the most responsible course of action. For that, I'm sorry.

With all that out of the way, I think it's your turn now. You haven't written a lot, so I guess I'll have to fill in the blanks for you, but I'm sure you'll agree.

First of all, you'd say you're sorry about shooting an arrow at me and cutting off my pinky. Don't worry, it's all in the past. I'm just glad I was able to stop it before something worse happened. I know you would've felt pretty bad about that.

Then, you'd say you're sorry about letting me take the blame for the misunderstanding. I know you were angry because of the lying and all, but it's been a few months now, and I think you've made your point clear. I always said you were very mature for your age, and this is a great opportunity to prove it.

I also think there's a few things you could've done differently to avoid said misunderstandings. For example, I get you wanted to show off your archery skills to the whole school, but I don't understand why I had to trap them all in the gym. You can see how this could make it look like it was my idea.

I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but given that you're such a crack shot with your bow, I don't understand how you could miss so badly. I mean, it felt like you were actually aiming at me. Anyway, forget that.

I accept your apologies.

I want to talk about something else, but you have to promise to keep it a secret. Your mom has been sending me letters, and it seems like she thinks you did all of this on purpose. Try to spend some quality time with her, show her your softer side.

She seems to think you've been 'evil' since you were a baby. In her letters, she rambles about how you were always a little shit. She even sent a picture to emphasize her point.

You've come a long way. When your mom hired me to be your bodyguard, you were just a scrawny, quiet, little kid. Now you're a confident young man. I'm proud of the time we spent together. You've got energy and spunk, all you gotta do now is focus on the right things. I think you should try out for the Olympic archery team. You never know, right?

Don't worry about me, Kevin, I'm safe. Even if my credentials weren't all true, everything I taught you still applies. There are a ton of bullies in this place man, but like I said, you have to find commonalities with them.

Anyway, at least I get to work out in the prison gym.

Please try to set the record straight.

Good luck.

Your friend, mentor and bodyguard,

Bob 'Drillbit' Taylor

PS

You're lucky you weren't 18 or I'd have kicked your ass.

PSS

Are you still doing that thing when you eat? Don't