Am I Twinless?  

I am an only child. All my life I've wanted to know what it feels like to have a sibling. So many plots and stories revolve around sibling relationships. Take Sam and Dean from Supernatural, Itachi and Sasuke from Naruto, and even Vi and Jinx from Arcane. I've always felt kind of left out — I have always wanted that built-in best friend for life. I was always very lonely as a child. We moved around a lot and I was always the new kid in school. I always imagined a sibling would disspell those feelings of loneliness.

My best friend, who decided to move to Paris all of a sudden, was in town for Christmas and my Heated Rivalry addiction caused me to show him every episode. We finished all the episodes and were waiting for the 9 pm premiere of a new one. I was scrolling through all the streaming services when I noticed a film I had been dying to watch, Twinless. So, I made an executive decision and pressed play.

(Speaking of Heated Rivalry, imagine my shock when Francois Arnaud popped up as a side character in this movie. I was like, "OMG Scott Hunter what are you doing here?")

Twinless shows how isolating it feels to lose someone that is your other half. And I thought I was just here to watch Dylan O'Brien be cute.

Dylan O'Brien is my favourite actor (and husband in my dreams). It all started when a little show called Teen Wolf came out on MTV. I was propelled into the world of fan fiction and my entire Tumblr feed was Dylan and Teen Wolf edits. I even had a Stiles Stilinski lacrosse hoodie. I've followed his career ever since and he's aged like the finest wine. He and Tyler Hoechlin, of Superman and Supergirl, are definitely the most successful of the Teen Wolf bunch. Whereas Tyler has stuck mostly to television, Dylan has become a bonified movie star. His performance in Twinless proves the man is an actor, not just a former teen heartthrob.

Dylan plays two characters in the film. Rocky is gay, fun, devilishly smart, and dead. Roman is straight, boring, kind of dumb, and alive. He is able to portray both characters so completely. These guys are twins, but they carry themselves completely differently. Rocky is this grandiose queen, and Roman is a shy guy who is unsure of everything they do. I was just blown away by Dylan's ability to feel like two completely different people. It was like Michael B. Jordan in Sinners, but without vampires. Don't even get me started on his monologue. My best friend and I were literally both in tears, looked at each other and said, "Aw, sad." Which is our way of saying "Bro, this is moving my heart so much, he's doing such a good job in this scene."

The scene especially resonated with me because I was kind of going through the same grief. It was a hard adjustment after my best friend moved. He was my closest thing to a sibling. I lost the person I did everything with. I didn't have someone to go to the movies with, to get really high and cackle as we eat food and watch TV. I lost my other half. Even though he isn't really gone forever, I still miss him all the time. And there all my feelings were, being poured out beautifully, and my heart reacted to the similar cries it had been making itself.

Dennis is a lying liar that lies. He represents a weird transitionary phase of denial for me. He tries to weasel his way into Roman's life to keep the illusion that Rocky is alive, well alive. I also went through a time of dating guys, trying to make friends online, platinuming games, all in an effort to feel a semblance of what I had, or at least help me not think about how lonely I felt. His story felt like a what-if scenario of what might've happened if I didn't find a solution. Just carrying on feeling hollow on the inside.

(Okay, a little aside here for a hot second. Dennis is played by James Sweeney, who directed Twinless. There is a particular scene where feet are fondled and toes are sucked. If you've seen From Dusk Till Dawn, you might remember director Quentin Tarantino inserted himself into a scene to suck on Salma Hayek's toes because he has a weird foot thing. So the entire time I was watching that scene I was like, "Is this a weird foot thing?" I mean, yeah, it's a weird foot thing, but is it because James Sweeney has a weird foot thing and he is the new Tarantino foot-shot connoisseur? Anyways.)

Eventually, Roman is able to find acceptance of his brother's death in Marcie. She not only staves off his loneliness, she takes it away entirely. Like Roman, I was able to find someone too. A friend that has taken away my loneliness. It happened at a moment I wasn't even expecting to make that kind of friend. Who knew joining a random Discord call looking for teammates to play Pokemon Unite with would lead to a years-long friendship. He just called me one day after that team voice chat and never stopped, kind of like a stray cat. And I have the benefit of the person I lost making guest appearances now and then. We try to stay in touch as much as possible, but you know, life.

I might never have had a sibling or a twin, but maybe I don't really need one. I have friendships that are like the bond a sibling might have. Loving them is great but losing them is even worse.

Twinless mirrored my own pseudo-mourning but also reminded me that I am not lonely anymore. And that if you're going through hell, keep going. You'll make it out okay on the other side. Probably.