For My Love 

I will never see her again. The first time, I should have never been there. It all happened before I knew that it was happening. One of those happy accidents. To my heart, she felt like the breeze. Curled hair, a smile that could bring world peace, and her smell. Oh my God, her smell. I don't understand why she ever went with me, but she did. It felt effortless. Something I never had with Nora. Poor Nora. I'll never be able to explain this to her. Guess I won't have to. The news will do that. This'll ruin her. The gossip. The public shame. The goddamn tennis club. Beth-Anne, Jan, Lisa, all those gremlins. Deep down, she'll be happy that I'm gone. She'll never admit it but she will be. This won't bring her back. I know this won't bring her back. It won't bring anything good. But I need to see him. All I have to do is get him to say it. Just have him say it. And my heart will have its justification. If I could speak through space and time, I could tell her that I did not forget. I could tell her that she was the best thing to ever happen to me. This is as close as I will get. My stomach does more flips the closer I get. She came onto me. I adored her forwardness. I only regret always comparing her to Nora. I remember thinking how Nora would never be so brash. How Nora would never do this and never do that. I never allowed Max to just be Max. It was always in comparison. Now everything is tied to regret. Even if I didn't do it right. Even if I was blinded by my own experiences, I loved her as best as I could. I lived for the secrets. The incognito meetings at expensive hotels. The empty matinees. All of our anonymous locations. Doing anything to make her smile. She was better than my wife. She was better than my kids. That isn't fair to Nora, but Nora never understood. Ours was a lie from the beginning. Max was my truth. The metal in my pocket is screaming at me. My hands are numb. I feel like I'm in an Edgar Allan Poe story. I'll have a lot of time to read, soon. Maybe it won't be so bad. It will. I can still stop. I can still bail out. She'll never know that I did it. This is an action for no one. I can still save myself. But I just have to see him. Turn around. Just turn! My plan is in motion. I am in motion. It never stops. I want it to stop. My head is starting to pound again. I can live with regret or with consequence. I will take consequence. I feel ill. It is in motion. The line from her ear to her collar bone. The back of her hands that felt like soft pillows. Eyes crying in the sunlight, searching for a way to please me. I regret every time that I hurt her. Thick-headed man. Dumbass. These perfect things, how we take them for granted. They go, she's gone. I will be gone soon too. The map says I'm getting closer. Hard to read through blurred vision and tears. The wind is howling, the wind is her, but it's still hot. Sweat has wet my shirt. I feel cold. I feel like I'm floating. My feet are tingly and numb. My soul is on fire. It keeps me moving. My mind screams to turn, to abandon. But my soul. I'm drunk. This bridge is high. The ocean is a long way down. One slip and I can remove myself from the equation. That's what I'm doing, the long way. There is one more thing before I'm free. Every step is a chore. I must complete my task and then it won't matter. But it must be served first. It is mine. My finger rubs the side of the metal. Toys with the trigger. I doubt my courage. I know I am a coward. For Max, I can be anything. She made me everything. The dress she wore on our faux anniversary. It was real to us. It was. It was wrong but it's what I lived for. And he took that. Why did he do that? I am getting closer now. This will kill Nora. They can all be destroyed like she was destroyed. Every fate comes to the same end, no difference when. Do it and absolve yourself. I'm sorry I didn't do this before. I'm sorry, Max. To your honour, I will go to the end. I know the action is wrong but I can't live any other way. I can't live knowing that I did nothing. It must be done and I am the one. So I will know that she was not alone. He did not have the right to take her away. She is not here. She cannot do it herself. She did not deserve it! He is the reason. He must pay. I must know. My heart thumps at a sick, anxious speed. I need another drink. I cannot miss. This is the place. His light is on. There he is up there. Wait for him to come down. Hide. Don't let him see. Don't let him know. The moment is at hand. He will pay. Stay calm. I need a drink. Oh, the pain. Max. Anything for Max. What was she doing? I should have been with her. I didn't read the signs. Before, when she was quiet. I thought it was because of the fight. My apology will be written in blood. There was no way to know. Not before. Only after. Then I knew. When her hair was matted down. Her face was filthy and bloodless. They showed me. I shouldn't have looked. There was nobody else there for her. Remember her for how she was. That time at the pub. Eleven a.m. on a Wednesday. It was her world. It was the bathroom stall. Oh, Max. The light has gone out. The moment is at hand. I'm scared stiff. Cross. Cross. Cross before he goes! Wait, soft, hold. Watch where he goes. Follow. I see him now. There are many ways to do it. I've been so narrow-minded. Max is gone, and I will have my moment, but it need not be now. Maybe I could understand him. I never even got his name. No, it's wrong to play with one's food. I must have him say the words. I'm losing control of my emotions. It takes everything. But I still feel my conscious pull me back. I need— he's going in here. A bar. Cheeky of him, but a small blessing. I can have one to steady the hand. Enter. I search the sparsely populated room. By the corner, I spot him. He's with someone. Red and black dress, with red lipstick and curled hair. Stands out in a place like this, and that's why she blends in. I need to get closer. This beer tastes good. It's steadying my hand. I feel the metal on my thigh. I'm at the table next to them. They don't seem to have noticed me. Whatever they speak of, they are engrossed. "It's done, as promised. There can't be any more that you want from me." I must know who he speaks to. Act casual. Act normal. Sip your beer and glance. Oh, I'm going to puke. My heart is in my throat. Not tears; not now. I should have seen it coming. She always has been a lovely psychopath. I look again and she is looking right at me. She doesn't seem to mind. It's like she's inviting me to say something. I move and take a seat right next to her. My arm around her. I can see in her eyes, she's a little scared now, and she should be. I don't know what to do to her. I bet I look a little scared too. "How long have you known?" "From the start." I don't know if I should apologize or kill. Her flattery fuels my desire. It's like seeing her for the first time. I should remember Max, but I'm Nora's again. This proves it.