HE-MAN, ME-MAN 

I went to a fan event Wednesday night for Masters of the Universe. Not because I’m a fan, but because Page is out of town and I run a website (that garners around 50 views a week, mainly hate-views?). I wasn’t sure what He-Man fans look like, obviously it’s mainly men, but as far as age goes, I’m not really sure. The original cartoon He-Man and the Masters of the Universe dates back from 1983, so we’re talking Gen X-ers? Elder millenials? Men in their mid-50s? Have I alienated everyone yet?

At first, I was wondering the question many people were wondering:

Then it hit me (I’m very slow). It’s a Mattel property. Barbie made $1.4 billion in the global box office. What’s their next-biggest IP?

HOTWHEELS

That’s not easily adaptable. What’s their next-next-biggest IP?

Masters of the Universe (2026)

So, it turns out my prediction was fairly accurate. I walked into the auditorium and was met with a sea of cargo shorts. It turns out the He-Man fanbase is rabidly faithful. People showed up in He-Man t-shirts and every other person had a light-up Sword of Power. And yes, I can assure you that when Adam transformed into He-Man, the guy directly in front of me raised his sword in tandem and turned it on.

TINY TANGENT

I wish I could experience things as intensely as that guy. He was hooting, hollering and cheering at all the big moments in the film, and it got me thinking. I’m so jaded. Even the things I enjoy don’t get me giddy with excitement. I can’t remember the last time I did either of those things in my life. Am I depressed? That’s a problem for a different, sadder blog.

TINY TANGENT OVER

The auditorium was fairly packed; I had an open seat next to me and a couple to my left. It was a classic “boyfriend drags girlfriend to his nerd movie” situation. Each time there was a reference (and don’t worry, there’s references a-plenty), he would nudge her and lean over to explain the references, followed by a slightly disinterested, “Oh, okay”. Always fun seeing that kind of couple in the auditorium.

Look, I never want a film to fail (except for that new fully AI Aaronofsky film). I always come in with an open mind. The only thing that changes is my expectation of the film. Sometimes I come in with high expectations and other times I come in with no expectations. Masters of the Universe fell into the latter category. As the production logos played, I was floored with this:

A balls-to-the-wall GLAM-ROCK score! And if you’re a Queen fan, you know without looking at the credits that Brian May is wailing over this theme. It washed over me through the Dolby Atmos system in the auditorium.

Masters of the Universe follows Adam (Nicholas Galitzine), prince of Eternia, who was sent through a portal to Earth after skeletor (Jared Leto) stole the throne and imprisoned both of his parents. Flash forward fifteen years later, and Adam is working for the HR department of a large company, constantly looking for the Sword of Power that flew out of his hands while traveling through the aforementioned portal. And the worst part? He’s doing it on company time. Fire that man! Kill him! It turns out these entire fifteen years, he’s been telling everyone and anyone that he’s a prince from a far away planet filled with sorceresses and skeleton men and a combat that includes swordplay and guns?

Sure enough, in the first-ever instance of a constructive and helpful internet, he finds the sword and sends out a signal to Eternia that the sword (and prince) are alive. He meets up with his old friend Teela and travels back home to a ruined Eternia where his kingdom hides underground from the rule of Skeletor, who has been searching for the Sword of Power this whole time.

I was surprised as anyone, but I really enjoyed this. Despite its 2:20 runtime, it moves at a clip; I didn’t check my watch once during the film. Everyone is turning out strong performances. Jared Leto was surprisingly great as Skeletor. I know, I know, but hear me out. He knows how to play a comedic role, and Skeletor in this film is a comedic, over-the-top, theatrical villain. He absolutely nails it, walking the line between terrifying skeleton man and comedic foil perfectly. I can understand your reservations, dear reader. He was awful in Tron: Ares, Suicide Squad, Morbius, etc. But he was also great asj Paolo in House of Gucci, another comedic role. You never know what you’re gonna get with Jared Leto, but he really shines in this.

Speaking of shines, Nicholas Galitzine is an oiled up monster in this. Just looking at the size of him in this film makes me exhausted. To be fair, I last saw him as Jeff in the hilarious Bottoms, but he is almost unrecognizable as this hulking bleach-blonde hero. I found it hilarious that we’re supposed to assume that Adam on Earth isn’t the size of a barn. We do our best by putting him in oversized sweaters and dress shirts, but when your star fills the frame in every shot, it’s hard to ignore. I still think it’s better than spending all that time and money to digitally de-musculize him.

It’s a very funny film, but I think at times, it’s too focused on being light hearted. Just about every scene that could have some emotional weight to it is undercut by a joke; an evil laugh goes on too long and the villain is embarassed, a rousing speech is undercut by the use of the word ‘Fisto’, a romantic moment is broken by a drunk, the list goes on. My only complaint is that sometimes, it’s nice to feel like there’s a weight to certain moments, and we don’t really get that here.

I lied, I have another complaint. It suffers from a problem a lot of big-budget action films have; while some action scenes are well-choreographed and shot, others have been cut to ribbons and the eye struggles to follow along and make sense of the scene.

While yes, all the hard bodies are fun to stare at, the film actually spends a bit of time exploring masculinity and what it is to be a man. Sure, there's the jokes about big swords dangling between legs, but Adam's journey isn't just to regain the throne, it's do discover who he is as a man, and what makes a man, how do men solve problems? I left the auditorium feeling satisfied with the conclusion of Adam's journey.

Despite the 1987 Masters of the Universe being a mess of a film, I still enjoy it, because it’s essentially a Star Wars ripoff made by two of my favorite coke-fueled maniacs, Golan & Globus of Cannon Films. Watching this film, I couldn’t help but wonder what those two crazy cousins would have done with a budget nearly ten times what they’re used to. One thing is for sure, the body oil budget would’ve exploded.

RATING: 4/5 (I'M SHOCKED TOO)

Who should watch this film?

• 50 year old men that grew up on that weird cartoon created to sell toys
• Fans of an oiled-up Nicholas Galitzine
• Jared Leto fans (voice only)
• People who watched the original and thought, “Gwildor and his gill-slits are freaking me out”
• Fans of maniacal laughing
• Fans that watched the original and thought, “I wish Pig Boy had a larger role”