My Neighbor Totoro: Please Allow Me To Call Unto You

Since when did you stop hearing from the spirits? - I can't help but ask myself that question over and over again while watching "My Neighbor Totoro". When I was young and accidentally bumped into the corner of a table, I would quietly apologize to the table, believing it had a life of its own. On my way home, I would greet the trees along the roadside, and if I had my friends with me, I would even introduce each tree I knew to them. At night, I sprawl over mypillow, hoping to catch a glimpse of spirits whispering inside. As I grew up, I rarely do these things anymore. I'm not sure I really communicated with those spirits back then, but the fantasies related to spirits are still vivid in my mind.

I shed tears as “My Neighbor Totoro” echoes my childhood memory. It feels like those spirits are still there waiting for me, and my childhood self is also there calling for my return. Even though they may seem distant and their voices may be faint, but I have already found them again. I had left them behind for a long long time. They have been expecting me to turn around, and as the story of "My Neighbor Totoro" unfolds, I finally did.

Mei, Chibi-Totoro and Chū-Totoro

Miyazaki’s “Rabbit Hole”

In 1865, Lewis Carroll wrote about a rabbit hole that led from the real world to a fantasy world. Compared to Carroll, Hayao Miyazaki presented us a different “rabbit hole” in "My Neighbor Totoro." When Mei first met Totoros, she followed two smaller Totoros, Chibi-Totoro and Chū-Totoro into the bush and found a tunnel that leads to a large camphor tree, where Ō-Totoro (the big grey Totoro) is sleeping. The tunnel is as wide as a little girl, allowing the smallest child in the film, Mei, to freely roam inside. It is worth noting that the size of the tunnel not only determines who can enter and leave easily, but also shrinks the view of its visitors. Nevertheless, after Tatsuo followed Mei to where she found Ō-Totoro, he discoveres nothing. It's not that Totoro has disappeared, but that they have never been there. This makes me wonder: is it because Tatsuo isn’t the right visitor, so he isn’t “authorized” to the fantasy world? Or does Totoro only exist in Mei’s imagination?

“You must have met the keeper of the forest, that means good fortune is with you. But you can’t see him all the time. ”

—Tatsuo comforts Mei, when Mei insisted that she has seen Totoro.

What’s interesting is that later Mei’s sister, Satsuki, also sees Totoro, which suggests that Totoro isn’t just Mei’s imagination. Unlike Mei, Satsuki meets Ō-Totoro when she is waiting for her father at the bus station on a stormy night. As she eagerly awaits her father Tatsuo's arrival, buses come and go, leaving her disappointed. Meanwhile, as Mei falls asleep on Satsuki's shoulder, Totoro emerges from behind her and they delight in playing with the rainwater collected on the leaves of a tree. The timing of this scene prompts me to ponder further about the appearance of Totoro: 1. Mei meets Totoro alone; 2. Satsuki also meets Totoro alone. Without a doubt, Mei and Satsuki must have met the same Totoro, so is Hayao Miyazaki telling us that we can only see Totoro when we are alone? Indeed, some people may talk to animals or inanimate objects when they are alone and bored. If I were Satsuki, I might imagine there are little spirits dancing in the raindrops.

Satsuki, Mei, Ō-Totoro

Innocent Yearning

However, there is also a character who is always alone but never gets to see Totoro. As a husband, Tatsuo often travels long distances to visit his sick wife. As a father, he works hard to support the whole family and takes care of two children during his wife’s hospitalization. Throughout the film, we rarely catch a glimpse of Tatsuo indulging in personal leisures. He is always busy and bears all the pressure alone.

As the story unfolds, I realize that seeing Totoro or not is never about loneliness. At night, when Satsuki and Mei are about to sleep and Tatsuo is still busy working, Totoro appears. Different from before, Satsuki and Mei both sees Totoro at the same time. They are so excited that they shouted and danced with Totoro in the yard to summon the seeds of the camphor tree to sprout. However, when Tatsuo glances at the yard, he only finds everything in a peaceful and calming state. The next morning, Satsuki and Mei do see the camphor tree seeds sprout. Whether what happened last night was a dream or not, they are both now celebrating the sprouted camphor tree. If they only saw Totoro in their dreams, then they must have missed Totoro so much that they met each other in the same dream.

Cruising with Totoro

I think it is because of that innocent yearning that they are able to see Totoro. Yearning is the theme of the story of "My Neighbor Totoro". From the development of the whole story, we can see Satsuki yearning for her father Tatsuo to come home, Mei yearning for her sister Satsuki to come home, and both of them yearning for their mother Yasuko to come home. The difference is that yearning may only be a small episode in Tatsuo’s life, as he’s a father and a husband who spends most of his time traveling and working, but for the two children, especially Mei who has not yet started school, for the most part, their lives are literally under the care of their guardians. The yearning for a missing guardian is profoundly innocent, and such waiting feels solitary and lonely. It’s just that the children have such magical power that before they blame on the guardian’s absence, they turn all their yearnings into hopes, and therefore the spirits appear to answer them.

Such beautiful hopes bring light to loneliness. In the last scene of the film, after Mei goes missing, Satsuki asks Ō-Totoroto help her find Mei. When Totoro summons the Catbus[1], the film reaches its climax - the Catbus's big eyes shine with warm light, piercing through the darkness, crossing mountains and valleys to arrive in front of Satsuki. How exciting it is! I mean, for anyone who has ever been yearning for their loved ones, who wouldn’t be thrilled?

Catbus

Doesn’t that take a good fortune to be loved by such a strong feeling that pierces through darkness? The Catbus carries Satsuki and Mei, running through the night, to their mother’s window and left a stalk of corn and a small message. We then see their father Tatsuo accompanying their mother Yasuko pick up the corn, and the message reads: "We’re fine. Mei and I are doing well. We’re waiting for you to come home." At that moment, even though they haven’t met Totoro, they have become witnesses to the spirits’ visitation.

Spirits, Please Allow Me To Call You

As we grow up, we still yearn, but yearning becomes a minor part of our lives. We hustle along through the crowded city, shoving aside our feelings, while trivialities keep us away from the small but crucial parts of our lives. Like Tatsuo, even when we accidentally find the “rabbit hole”, we miss the timing. We are too busy to enjoy the fortunes of our visible world.

My tears shed as “My Neighbor Totoro” echoes my childhood memory. My heart pounds louder and louder in this mad world, then everything is finally quiet. I can now hear the leaves rustle so I know the wind has come; I can now hear children tell us about their experience with spirits so I know they have been here before. I am reminded that spirits really did “exist” in my memories, and I am grateful.

Please allow me to call unto you again, spirits.

“Are you there?