Christmas in La Palma: A guaranteed disaster

Disaster movies and Christmas have never been a good mix. Have they actually? To be honest, I don't have excellent memories regarding these intertwined Christmas vibes stories, but thanks to certain motivation I'm in the dark about, Netflix had the idea to gather some Norwegians in a Spanish island called La Palma to make them suffer until exhaustion during what should be a festive season. This new "content" is slightly based on or inspired by a disaster that occurred three years ago in the same place, even though this time they decided to give the matter certain "showiness", make Spanish people look like idiots in their own land and turn, maybe unwillingly thanks to the screenwriters' horrors, the protagonists into the most despicable people in humanity's history: we're talking about a guaranteed disaster.

La Palma—the laziness is apparent as from the title—is a new four-episode miniseries with Netflix's seal on it, the cherished and loathed platform. During the series' first seconds, we can sense certain incoherence around: several scientists and specialists on the subject affirm that the place is a volcano-shaped time bomb, meaning one should never ask if it will explode, but rather when. What better vacation could you have than getting caught in a lethal trap everyone is unaware of? How is it possible that authorities prioritize tourism money instead of human beings' very lives when there's so much of Planet Earth to visit? It doesn't make sense. Is it a conspiracy to kill people? Do they perhaps enjoy it?

This story's script greatly exceeds all predictability levels. After a certain time watching so many products of this style, one can even believe that being a streaming platform's screenwriter is easier than it seems. I'm not lying when I say that I laughed to myself in my house when I guessed what one of the protagonists was going to say in a scene. For example, when a character shouts during a tense moment and it seems everything will go south, the other one usually answers with a short story about his early years to lighten the situation, something like: “In 2004, my dad and I used to perform a type of ritual… blah, blah, blah.”

Do these so-called screenwriters that studied who knows how many years actually grasp reality this way? Regarding how things are understood, La Palma borders on absurdity from every angle in several moments. I'm not referring to certain ethical or moral complexity that may seem blurred by the decisions of the people involved in the project, but to the most basic aspects of the most basic points as possible. Next, I will explain in three parts the series' "subplots" to clear up any doubts regarding the incoherence and dehumanization of this delusional nonsense.

1. On the one hand, a pretty average Norwegian family consisting of a mother, a stepfather, a teenage daughter and a preteen son have just arrived at a luxurious hotel in La Palma to celebrate Christmas. The mother and stepfather have some minor problems regarding the time erosion of relationships [add dramatic music], the teenage daughter is discovering her sexuality [add encouraging music] and the preteen son seems to be a mere filler, even though he will become vital during the unfolding of events [add soothing music]. Nonetheless, let's be honest, all this apparently isn't the most important matter: the island is about to explode, and we all want to see how it floods, gets destroyed and completely burns. But we still have a long way to go before this happens…

2. On the other hand, two Norwegian—an amazing coincidence so they don't feel so lonely and can talk in that awful Norwegian/English accent—researchers realize everything is about to go to hell—to be soft—and one of them wants everyone in the place to find out about the imminent disaster. But hey! Her boss stops her because he knows that if they tell people, panic and chaos may break out and they would also lose their jobs at the Geological Institute. In addition, the blondie's brother is a parasite who lives there with her, bringing her more problems than solutions, and has a certain trauma regarding a past event they both experienced that is certainly similar to the one that may occur now. In short, the blonde girl, who has the "best" moral of the series, is in deep waters… ah, and the other Norwegian and the boss end up killing themselves in the most epic moment of the whole series. Don't miss it.

3. Lastly, we have the teenager's uncle, who has certain contacts in the Norwegian government and can prevent the story from being worse than what it already is but unfortunately doesn't do so. He's a type of deus ex machina that, even though he's introduced in the first or second episode, feels like that forced element for the only possible resolution according to Norway during the Christmas season: being the most despicable selfish person of all. These people's philosophy is inexplicably dehumanized, but the series wants you to believe the opposite. The wealthy uncle—who holds the information regarding which place is the safest to avoid the tsunami—only wants his sister and nephews to be safe. And the Spanish people? The answer may not be suitable to explain in this article [add dramatic music].

There's only one moment in the whole series in which the stepfather shows a spark of humanity: he gets off a boat that will take some people to Tenerife to give his place to a woman with a newborn [add encouraging music], but his face portrays disappointment more than anything else. I could continue enumerating the—almost—infinite number of bad decisions the protagonists make, like when the parents let their daughter go to the airport to fly to Madrid alone because life is hard and she has to commit a rebellious act as a 17-year-old because that's what she's supposed to do [add dramatic music]. What kind of parents are these? What kind of laws are there in Europe for an underage girl to be able to take a plane without her parents' consent?

But the worst hasn't happened yet, I have more to tell you. In the end, we get what we all wanted. The mountain splits in half, erupts, a fissure the size of Manhattan opens, and that immense surface area detaches to the ocean: a scenery worthy of one of those Sunday afternoon Roland Emmerich movies. But these Norwegians decided to reach the next level of absurdity and create their own "Norwegian Wood."

The wave that creates this ground displacement causes a tsunami of cosmic proportions, almost out of a Lovecraftian story. The gigantic water mass approaches at 3 km/h while everyone makes stupid decisions. The stepfather, who formerly got stranded on La Palma for absurd narrative reasons, is now working with the young researcher, so languages don't mix and the screenwriters have an easier job to do. While the wave gets closer, he threatens some people who only want to survive like them with a gun so they don't get on the boat that will save their lives. They both manage to get on the boat and leave: first dehumanized act completed. They have to travel from La Palma to Tenerife to save themselves and, in the blink of an eye and with a wave-shaped monster behind them [add suspense music], they manage to inexplicably slip in the safe zone [add soothing music].

But the moment that overflows incoherence challenges all physics, chemistry, gravity and all other science branch laws, and includes a plane and the tsunami. This is the REAL cherry on top. The stepfather is on the coast, safe and sound. The mother and the preteen son—who deciphers the coordinates of the "safe place" his uncle sent him—manage to reach the same place the uncle is at with a huge wave behind them, climbing a cliff not exceeding 200 meters. Nonetheless, the daughter stayed in the plane with her romantic interest, and they are both smashed by the wave, like the one at the end of 2012, causing them and every passenger a guaranteed death [add encouraging music]. But moments later, we see how they survived [add dramatic music]. How is it possible for this series to exist and be the top one of the most-watched shows according to Netflix's data? How is it possible that I have watched it?

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Posted on JANUARY 6, 2024, 13:11 PM | UTC-GMT -3

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