Nosferatu Sucks!

I'm not a fan of Robert Eggers and he did not win me over with Nosferatu. I will give him credit for the movie's authentic staging and gothic cinematography. However, its uninteresting characters and tired story make Nosferatu an insufferable watch. I left the theatre wondering why Eggers insists on taking himself so seriously.

Given his background in production design, it is logical that Eggers would thrive in the realm of design and staging. In Nosferatu, I loved the recreation of 1830s' Germany. The town of Wisborg has gorgeous cobblestones and distinctly uniform houses. The gothic architecture of Count Orlok's castle is equally wonderful. As well, the little Romani town that Thomas visits on his way to Orlok's castle is detailed and distinct. All of these sets create a visual feast for this sputtering story.

Costumes throughout are certainly of their time. The Romani people had some of my favourite costumes, with detail down to the shoes that lace up around the calf. Unfortunately, the accurate costumes used for the German main characters just felt like normal period-piece wear. It wasn't bad, but it also wasn't innovative. Count Orlok is so shrouded in darkness that you can hardly tell what he's wearing, except for his fur coat, which only raises the question of if a vampire gets chilly.

Working with longtime cinematographer Jarin Blaschke, Eggers utilizes beautifully symmetrical shots, which remind me of a William Blake poem (or a chapter in Alan Moore's Watchmen). Some great shots in Nosferatu include the opening when Orlok's spirit visits Ellen, Thomas's journey to Orlok's castle and Ellen's personal chat with Albin. The lighting of this movie is unsurprisingly dark and this helps create the gothic tone, although it does little to help increase the movie's stagnant horror.

And there's a couple characters that I found interesting. Although a secondary character, Aaron Taylor-Johnson's Friedrich was the character that I could sympathize with most because he was the one, bizarrely enough, with something more to lose than the girl he loves. He also had his children and his business. He's the only one that seems to maintain his head during the horror (until it becomes too much).

There was also Willem Dafoe's Albin, who shows up roughly around the start of the second act and gives Nosferatu a much-needed shot of energy. Prior to his entrance, the movie's tone is sluggish at best. Albin is an oddball that grasps the severity of Ellen's melancholy. Whether he's smoking his long pipe, pouring over ancient occult documents or checking bodies for their blood levels, Albin is the most entertaining character in the movie, even if he doesn't develop much throughout the tale.

I had problems with all three of our main characters. Let's start with Nicholas Hoult's Thomas. Along with being a relatively uninteresting character, his decision-making, especially at Count Orlok's castle, is bizarre. Obviously, being Nosferatu's house guest is a pretty unsettling experience. Thomas finally decides to make a break for it but, omg, the front door is locked! So, he goes to the next door, smashes the lock open and, what does he find? A deep, dark stairway leading into the abyss. Despite the nightmare he has just lived through, he decides, “yeah, now's a good time for a tour.” Down he goes and who does he find conveniently sleeping in this dungeon located inconspicuously to the side of the castle's main gate? Why, it's Count Orlok! Why would Thomas go and explore that crypt, if he was looking for a way out of the castle? Did he think he would discover a secret tunnel? And, of all the dungeons in this massive castle, why would Orlok sleep behind a door that looks more like a storage closet than an entrance to a nobleman's crypt?

Then there's the problem of Thomas's unconditional love for Lily-Rose Depp's Ellen. Two characters proclaiming their love for each other is usually enough to make me believe. But, in Nosferatu, I really wish there was a backstory to Thomas and Ellen's love, because it seems toxic from the start. It makes no sense why Thomas would love this woman unconditionally. We see in the very first scene that Nosferatu has spiritually infested Ellen long before she met Thomas. We never see how Thomas and Ellen meet, how they fell in love or how the courting went. So, when Ellen tells him about her graphic nightmare through a smile of ecstasy, we start to wonder what Thomas finds so attractive about her. Is it that he's just digs moody goth girls?

We never receive a real reason behind Thomas's unshakeable love for Ellen. What did Ellen do to deserve this man's desire? I'm not saying Thomas could have any woman he wants – he's just a real estate agent – and maybe it was an arranged marriage. But either way, his undying loyalty to her is necessary for the story to work and it is never properly explained. This is a major plot hole.

Then there is Count Orlok played by Bill Skarsgård. Orlok speaks very

very

very

slowly.

Okay, cool, he looks like a zombified version of Ivan the Terrible, the original inspiration for Dracula. When conjuring, he speaks in the extinct Dacian language. Neat! But, the fact is, this Nosferatu is not very terrifying. He has long hands but so did Nosferatu in 1922, who also had that horrifying face and deathly rigid stature. Not only that, we hardly ever see 2024's Nosferatu until the end, because Eggers shrouds him in darkness. This fits with the story's aesthetic, but I feel bad for Skarsgård who probably had to spend hours in the makeup chair for only about four minutes of screen time where we can actually see his face. His moustache is clear throughout though. And then, there's a scene where we see his wiener and it is remarkably average! For a villain that is sexually motivated, they should've given this guy an otherworldly package! But Eggers is too pretentious for that.

Now, let's get to the greatest flaw of this movie: the story. My goodness. I get that it's a remake, but are we quite done with the Dracula story? How many times do I need to see this undead nightmare? Off the top of my head, I can name Nosferatu (1922), Nosferatu the Vampyre (1979), Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992), Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), Bart Simpson's Dracula (1993) and, of course, the novel Dracula by Bram Stoker (1897). This isn't even Dafoe's first Nosferatu movie! How many times must I sit through the trials and tribulations of the Harkers before I am thoroughly bored?

The Harkers, Dracula, Renfield and Van Helsing all show up under pseudonyms in Eggers's “new” movie. This retelling being stubbornly faithful to the source material made it so I could predict every story beat before it happens. Thomas ends up at a Romani town. Will he get a warning from an old lady about how evil Orlok is? For sure. A chariot rolls up to pick up Thomas, but who is driving? What? Nobody? Who saw that coming. Thomas cuts his hand; will this get Orlok's attention? Yep. There's a coffin on a ship, but who's inside? You already know.

Eggers does very little to bring any originality to this story. The virgin sacrifice by the Romanis was interesting, but it was underscored by the lame realization that Thomas has mud on his boots and that it actually wasn't a dream (gasp!). I will admit that the very ending was somewhat interesting, as it ended in a way I did not predict. I'll give Eggers that. But a surprising final two minutes is not enough to justify the predictable 130 minutes prior.

This brings me to my final critique of Nosferatu and Robert Eggers movies in general. The director takes his movies so damn seriously. He's so committed to making everything of the time period that he misses all opportunities to have some fun with his creation. Using archaic dialect from the time period only appeases the people alive during 1838 that demand accurate representation. He rarely uses comedic relief and never pokes fun at his own characters (except maybe the doctor in Nosferatu played by Ralph Ineson). Nosferatu is very uniform in look and tone, with no off-the-cuff scenes or unexpected experimentation. Although some find this commendable, I find it tedious.

For me, uninteresting, unoriginal, poorly paced storytelling is a dealbreaker. I know Eggers has a big fanbase and people love deep diving into his movies, but they just don't do much for this viewer. I was disturbed by The Lighthouse and underwhelmed by The Witch. Now, after suffering through a third Eggers flick, I can't say that I'll rush to the cinema for his next project. To his fans, enjoy trying to find deeper meaning in Nosferatu. For me, it sucked out my life force and, by the 30-minute mark, I was wondering how much longer until this monotonous nightmare was over.