Weapons Inspired Me to Possess My Co-workers Spoilers

You're only as young as you feel, I tell myself as I try going out, exercising, and using new slang. Now in my early 30s, I can't help but feel that I'm losing my youth. My job accentuates this new pain. I work with a lot of young co-workers — early-20s types, 19-year-old interns.

I try to fit in, but they know, like I know, that I am old. It's hard to maintain joviality, when their eyes roll. Oh, chat, if you could only understand the sorrow I feel when I make a reference that is too outdated for my audience. Why must my relative nearness to death bring such internal loathing?

When I cannot handle the crushing wheel of time any longer, I retreat to my oldest friend: The cinema. Arriving at 5th Ave with a plan to drink beers and forget what a Labubu is, I chose to watch Zach Cregger's new movie, Weapons. The script caused a C-suite frenzy, with executives from Netflix, New Line, TriStar, and Universal engaged in an exciting bidding war. A horror that fetishizes youth didn't appeal to me, but the movie's monetary success exemplified Cregger's connection with audiences and piqued my interest.

It didn't rock me like some films this year, but it did leave me with a mind full of thoughts. Few of them were about the movie. I was more focused on the actions of Gladys. I couldn't help but wonder if her schemes held merit.

For those who haven't seen Weapons, Gladys is the movie's villain. She is very old and has completed her 10,000 hours of witchcraft. Requiring more youth to live, Gladys comes to a standard American town and starts possessing children. While the rest of the theatre hissed at this witch's treachery, I felt the warming wand of inspiration.

She made me realize that I was going after the fountain of youth all wrong. I didn't need to act like my younger co-workers, I needed to harvest them!

As I walked after the showing, I developed a plan. It was simple: Using Gladys's possession method, I'd bring all my young co-workers to my place. Once they're safely inside, I'd harvest their youth and become younger. Simple, easy, effective.

No longer would I have to live with premature "unc" status. No longer would I have to act like I know what "6 7" means. Once this foolproof plan was complete, I'd be the youngest person in the office. With my brilliant strategies and their youthful comprehension, I would be unstoppable.

The first step in the Gladys Method (patent pending) is to collect an item from each person you want to possess. That was easy to do. On Monday, I stayed late, acting like I was totally slammed (in reality, I was making Peliplat lists). One by one, my co-workers clocked out, off to their wonderful lives.

By 5:45, the office was mine. I took a Totoro keychain, a ballpoint pen, chorded headphones. I filled my bag, all while laughing a Grinch-like laugh. It was like stealing candy from a baby.

I biked home, my bag full of the goods. I felt like I was high. How had I not thought of this plan sooner? I suppose, one cannot rush inspiration.

On my way, I stopped at a thrift store and bought a dinner bell — an essential item for the Gladys Method.

Back home, I started to plan the ritual. It was important that I was precise. I tried to remember the movie's details, but memory was never my strong suit.

I lit some candles. I poured some salt lines. I filled my biggest bowl with water. I went out to street level and grabbed a stick — one with a snappy texture.

Back upstairs, I drew the blinds. My eyes adjusted to the candlelight. I wrapped the stick with ribbons, to make it pretty. Everything was prepared.

The hardest part of the ritual was staying up past 2 a.m. I've been focusing on my circadian rhythm. Once the clock passes 2200, my sleepiness knows no bounds. Luckily, I set an alarm.

I awoke at 2, to the gentle sound of Radial.

I took my pairing knife and stood over the water bowl. At this moment, I faced another obstacle — that of my chickenness. The Gladys Method requires that I cut open my own hand. All day I had thought about this, sure that I would rise to the occult occasion. Now that the moment was here, I was stilled by fear. The clock struck 2:15. I was running out of time.

I closed my eyes and counted to fuck.

I put the knife on my palm, applied the pressure, and pulled.

I yelped, like a cartoon canine.

Deep-red, iron-laden liquid entered the water.

I took the items from the office and submerged them.

I snapped the stick in two and dropped it for a splash.

I grabbed the dinner bell.

2:17.

The next day, on the news, there were reports of strange sightings across the Lower Mainland, from Brentwood to UBC. Videos of 20-somethings running through the streets Naruto style flooded socials. Nobody knew what was going on or where these people were going.

By sunrise, my apartment was filled with my co-workers. They all stood rigid, frozen in time, with the look of possession in their eyes. My witchcraft worked perfectly. Thanks, Gladys!

The good times were not to last, however, because this is where my plan faultered.

I thought back to Weapons. Once Gladys was in possession of the children, how did she harvest their youth?

I thought long and hard. There was the scene where she got Alex's parents to stab themselves with forks. There was the scene where she got Alex's principal to chase down Justine. There was a big reveal when we saw the kids in the basement. Still, I couldn't remember what the actual harvest method was, or if we even saw it. Archer goes down to the basement. He searches for his son. Then, in the darkness, he sees Gladys and I jumped so hard I spilt my popcorn. What was Gladys actually doing at that moment? She was hiding, wasn't she? Or was she trying to harvest before she was caught?

I had no idea what the next step was in the Gladys Method.

I went to work on no sleep. It took the higher ups half a day to notice that everyone under 30 was missing. When they asked me, I just played dumb and said I didn't know anything. They bought it.

Although I was off the hook in that regard, it didn't help my bigger problem.

As I write this, my apartment is still overcapacity with my possessed co-workers. They haven't eaten in days and it's starting to smell. I'm going to see Weapons again tonight. I need to figure out the last step for this possession to work. Wish me luck!