'Weapons' Actually Taught Me About Guns Spoilers

Guns are something I don’t usually think about. I mean, I wake up and I think about eating pancakes with butter or honey, but I never get out of bed thinking about pistols or knives. I don’t disapprove of them nor approve them. I just don’t care about them, I must say.

But this year, a movie came out that reduced my ignorance on the subject a little. I might not have any particular interest in guns thanks to it, but it did leave me useless knowledge: interesting, curious, maybe to start a conversation at a party, but useless at the end of the day.

In this article I’m going to talk about Weapons and how this mystery masterpiece actually taught me about guns. But, instead of describing a lame process or a boring story nobody cares about, I’ll explain why I consider every single character in this movie to be a gun, because this is a film article, not a therapy session! Capisci?

Justine, the knife

Let’s begin with my favorite character, Justine, the most delicate, the cutest, and… Oh, my God! Did you see that little mouth of hers? And what situations she gets involved in! How unexpected. Who would’ve said it. With that angelic face she has.

Yeah. It turns out that her appearance is tricky. She’s not the typical young teacher who talks sweetly to her students. Justine is strong-willed, she doesn’t beat around the bush, and when she wants something she goes straight to it. Justine indulges herself, you know? For this reason I love her: she’s honest, shameless, and she doesn’t have anything to hide. If the town hates her, she deals with it.

Like a knife, Justine doesn’t look like the dangerous person in the arsenal. Anyone who sees her wouldn’t choose her to defend themselves against an attacker. But damn, woe betide you if you underestimate her, as she will slice a piece out of your face as soon as you corner her.

Besides, Justine is one of those women who, when you meet them, they seem like bad people. She’d probably even say terrible things about herself, I sense it. But even so, Justine does the right thing, because she accepts her mistakes and is always looking for redemption.

Remember that the main purpose of a knife isn’t to stab someone in the heart. They can do it, of course, but everyone uses them just for cutting. Nobody sees a knife by itself and gets scared, unless it is in Michael Myers’ hands, right?

Archer, the assault rifle with telescopic sight

I know that when we see Josh Brolin in a movie we also see a big and intimidating guy, someone who will probably beat you to a pulp with only his eyes. And, if you think Josh Brolin repeats himself as a thug in all his roles, let me show you that in this movie he dismantles a little the image we have of him.

His character, Archer, a family man that suffers the disappearance of his son Matthew, seeks justice by his own hand. Like many people during a police investigation, Archer gets desperate and thinks that police waste time and resources. It’s understandable.

However, what makes Archer not just an ordinary father, but rather more like an assault rifle fitted with a telescopic sight, is his initiative and ability to see beyond.

Archer contradicts the police and decides to think outside the box. He goes into detective mode and analyzes the video recording of his house, the one that shows how Matthew, just like his classmates, runs away from home in the middle of the night. Later, Archer looks for hints in someone else’s videos and he devises his own plan.

Archer may be tall, rough and capable of shooting plenty of bullets per second, but with a telescopic sight he becomes an accurate and powerful weapon. He even sees an image of himself just above his own house during a dream. It’s not a coincidence, is it?

Likewise, Archer is tough and knows how to fight. His stock is excellent for breaking noses. And he wreaks complete havoc if he blindly shoots—let’s not forget Archer destroyed a truck only with his rage bursts. But he is useful with the accurate accessories and the proper use.

Paul, the pistol that tends to jam

As I said, I’m not a gun expert, but after doing a little research, I came to the conclusion that Paul is very similar to a pistol called “Saturday Night Special”. Why? Because Paul is not reliable, is also inaccurate, and he receives that gun’s name because he fits better in poorer neighborhoods.

Even though Paul could be an effective element to participate in an important investigation like the disappearence of a bunch of children, the miserable guy is limited to patrolling the streets, and he’s not even good at that. I mean, even for dealing with a junkie, Paul “jams”.

Not to mention that Paul cheats on his wife with… ahem… none other than Justine, the “sharp” one. But Paul also sucks at cheating, his affairs go wrong, he is impulsive and useless, and it’s all because his “materials” are so flawed.

If you’re looking for a gun that hits the mark, definitely avoid the “Saturday Night Special”, as you will end up with burned hands or a shot in the crotch.

Marcus, the guided missile

Well, I think it’s more than obvious the reason why Marcus is one of those missiles that follows its target relentlessly. There’s no need to research too much to understand the analogy. However, what I found relevant is how sad his backstory is.

At the very beginning, Marcus is a man that always does the right thing. He tells Justine that she can’t talk to students, much less with the one who survived that early-morning incident. He only does his job and works hard.

And he has a very quiet life with his husband, who eats junk food and watches documentaries with. He keeps a nice and big house on a wealthy street. Marcus really has the life everybody wishes.

But, once they deploy him as a missile… poof, everything is over! Marcus, just like this kind of weapon, he serves only one purpose in life: chasing and blowing up in the target—or being intercepted, as is the case. Can you imagine being built and kept for so long for you to go out and serve something so ephemeral? Well, this is Marcus’ fate.

James, the lawnmower

I was thinking about giving this guy an actual weapon, maybe a shotgun that blows up in your face, but I didn’t find anything interesting, so it occurred to me to compare him with a simple lawnmower.

And why? If lawnmowers are not even weapons?

Did you see Braindead? No? How about Sinister? Neither? Well, I’m sure you have seen Final Destination 6. That is the reason why. Lawnmowers get dangerous as soon as you use them the wrong way. You might not be able to take them to a battle against another army, but indeed you could cause harm to someone with it.

Even though James couldn’t kill someone with his blades as it happens in Final Destination 6, he’ll hurt your fingers if you touch him in the wrong place. And stop thinking dirty things, you filthy!

As a lawnmower, James also devastates everything in his way. He breaks into houses and steals valuables, tries to break into every car he finds, and he gets overheated when he takes more than he can. James is just as basic. Poor little thing.

The children are an M249 light machine gun

And finally, we come to my favorite part of the movie: the children. They are the most broken weapon. Easy to carry and store, ideal for small spaces, excellent shooting speed, unstoppable and far-reaching, the Children M249 are the most effective way to get rid of someone who gets on your nerves.

But you need skill to use them, because if you’re a mediocre shooter, anyone—even one of your apprentices—could grab the weapon you were supposedly the only one able to configure and turn it against you.

It’s exciting when you see the Children M249 in action, you can’t deny it, it’s just a delight. Its powerful, fast barrel destroys windows and wood alike, and its telescopic sight reaches over half a mile, so you can count on its accuracy. Only one detail: their bursts are very loud, and everyone can tell what’s going on. Terrible choice if you’re also a shooter who doesn’t know how to be discreet.

What the hell were you thinking, Gladys? Couldn’t you think of a more subtle way to rule the world? You're a hell of a disappointment to the Association of Armament Wizards.

Anyway, as a conclusion I’ll say that I wasn’t expecting anything from Weapons. I only liked its marketing and its aura of mystery. But I ended up falling in love with its training. This film had a big impact on me because I had no idea that Zach Cregger wanted to teach me about guns, and he did a terrific job. I'm even thinking about getting a diploma to make it worthwhile. Wish me luck!